Don't Believe in me

01:36 pm: P.S. Im going to stay rather neutral towards girls, as I can because Sarah only has 2 months left, and love doesnt die that fast. In fact it really doesnt ever die. I dont want things to be akward, or for me to hurt her. And I'd never wanna be hurt myself, because thats not me.

01:34 pm: So easter...the day of the comming back thing.. wow, anyways, Im fuckin 17 now! Sweet, life sucks lately. Had to breka up with Sarah because I can't ruin her life anymore. I had to cancel my summer plans cause I'm working. And my friend Alex invited me to a 3 day long concert in Tennesse but I cant go because I have to take the Sat on that day. Wow, thats sorta ironic. Sarahs Dad wants to talk to mine, and I'm not going to prom. Can you name one thing thats good in my life. The dumping Sarah thing is gonna be really hard because its not like I dont love her anymore, because I do. Sorta odd that in order to save the one you love, you have to hurt them. Some people wont understand why I did it, because they are idiots.. or not mature, or still stuck in middle school mindsets. Im thinking long term here. Something people our age dont do. Its always me me me now now now. Fuck you all, I'm tired of that. If anyone wants to be pissed off at me , go ahead and express your ignorance. You think I'm not sitting here dying thinking about Sarah off at prom or on a boat with 3 or 4 guys all looking at her like shes an easy sweet target. That sucks more cock then Paris Hilton. Fuck everyone.

05:59 pm: My mom asked me what my plans where for prom, seeing Sarahs parents arent going to let her even see me ever again. And I talked it over with her and realized that prom is just another dance, and I need to worry about the time I have left with her and how to work with what I have and not with what we cant have. What she is saying is instead of complaining about not being able to do things like prom, which is just a homecomming renamed prom.. I should be trying to find things to do otherwize. I realize that prom is not as big of a deal as everyone makes it. The reality that I probably wont get to go with Sarah sucks alot, but when I think about it, I didnt go last year, and I didnt really miss it much. I would love to go with her soo bad, but knowing that its almost impossible, I have to start accepting that, and she does too. Soon she wont be here at all, and the communication is going to be less then ever before. Things are going downhill envolving her parents and the fight is becoming almost overly retarded. I will keep fighting this battle that cant be won. And I will try and fight it for the 5 or so more months I can. But at some point we have to let it sink in, and we have to start with the painkilling and let something go, and relax a little. Yes 5 months is a long time sorta... What ever can we do... All we can do is talk about it. And hope the pain goes away, and not blow things out of preportion. (like prom or anything like that) because I know i certainly started to do that. All we can do I work with what we have. Like my mom said, "You cant spend cash you dont have, and you cant work with time that you will never have, so work with the time you do and spend it the ways that you can...Without getting arrested" ..arrested being her parents finding out. Anyways, this is a long long entry and I hope everyone has some fun and a half times reading this even thought its sorta personal lol. Have fun kids, Im working tonight at 7-11:30, I love Sarah.

06:31 pm: Another great idea bound to bricks and fighting back.
Bryan Buckenheimer and I are going to start an accoustic cover band, just him and I.. No one else to count on, its a 50/50 thing. It might work. We fitna do some taking back sunday covers. Yuh, anyways this last weekend was full of first. First time getting semi drunk, smokin cigar, being around drunk people alone, and seeing phantom of the opera!!!! It was a good weekend. Sarah and I saw phantom and it was so good that Im probably going to see it again. Gonna write more tonight, not like anyone reads this or cares.

11:17 am: Yeah they are talking about their problems. Of course my dad is trying to make it seem like my mom has all the problems when In reality. Hers are more physical and my dads issues are more mental. My mom is always sick and iratable... and my dad is always opver worked and iratable.. That doesnt mix. My dad trys to make my mom think she is just blowing things outa propotion when in realitiy i see things the way she does alot of the time. Uhhh atleast they talk... thats good I guess. But this doesnt seem like a good talk.

10:49 am: I have a feeling that bad shits about to go down this morning in my house. As I wake up and walk around the corner to use the bathroom to shower. I hear my mom and dad talking in their room, and my mom crying extreemly loud while talking to my dad. She says something about "We have been heading this way for a while" ...and..."they are going to college soon".. So I dunno what that means really.. Then she said the word "Fix" which usualy is something between them. The list of things I can think of. All crappy stuff...
1) Divorce
2) Moving
3) thinking about divorce
4) almost bankrupt.
5) totaly outa money.


In all these things, one of the worst parts would be the fact my stuff might get sold.. like My Car. I dunno, If my parents divorce I'm gonna handle that fine. If we move I might handle that ok... not great. And i we are outa money. I cant handle that cause that means my dad is gonna be enraged all the time, and my moms gonna be crying cause my dads an ass when hes mad. I dont know whats going on. And theres no one to talk to right now.

09:24 pm: Ahh goodness. 6 months isnt bad. Im gonna start lifting weights of some form, or doing more push ups or something. I dont know whats gonna happen with anything.

12:32 pm: KILL KILL KILL

06:35 pm: Fuck Omaha....
Nothing but no one and nothing at all. Weeee Things might get crazy fucked up soon. Homepfully not, I have to be mature !!!! And wise!!! and the person who knows answers. I have to know people better and watch them, and make moves before they do. Love goes on for ever!!

12:00 am: so i was working from 7 - 11:45 and i was there and I was walking in and out from front to back, and stayed in the front and never saw you, must have been washing some dishes... next time if u come in when I say im there, walk in to the right and go down the hall to where there are restroom, and theres two port holes that look in the back work room to see if im there. Thats really weird that I didnt see you and it makes me sad further more. I have no life and this job is taking up all my time, seeing how im working tomorrow at 8-10:30... monday the same, wed, and saturday... its gonna piss me of and im gonna talk to the manageer about it because if I cant get hours reduced then Im gonna have to tell them I cant do that. Tomorrow I will see sarah... The fucking world cant stop me.